by Cameron Moore (8th)
Founder of Daily Rubbish in 2018-19: Mariam Elgwily
I decided I needed to write a school-related article, so here it is. The Satire Wars™.
The CMS SCOOP’s Satire Wars™ began with one satirical column with the Daily Rubbish, which was begun by Mariam Elgwily in the 2018-19 school year.
Then, in 2021, the satire empire was handed off to a young 6th grader named David Hayman, who continued to keep the column alive during his three years at CMS.
The 2022-23 school year started with lots of one-off satire articles, which have been a SCOOP staple. Some of these include “Who Really Dismisses Students?” and “Chicken Found Crossing Road; Motives Unknown” by Thea Kupersmith, and “Behind the Scenes at Mary Poppins (A Satire)”, by Maddie Pomager. Of course, Hayman continued to pump out edition after edition of the Daily Rubbish. However, he would soon have competition.
However, a problem started to arise. Many wanted to write satire for the CMS SCOOP, but many were not comfortable writing with David. One of these people was then-8th grader Ayana Willoughby, who wanted something new.
On March 25, 2023, she published the first-ever edition of her masterpiece: The Artichoke. It quickly became a hit, as her frequent posting schedule eclipsed that of the Daily Rubbish, which, to be honest, wasn’t that daily.
*laugh track plays*
With her Empire State Building article published on April 26, Mr. Rothstein declared The Artichoke in the article’s subtitles to be, “a SCOOP staple.”
In The Artichoke, Volume III, posted May 20, we see the first shot of The Satire Wars™. In the article, where Willoughby writes about Buzzfeed being replaced by the Daily Rubbish, she included this paragraph:
“‘Eh, it’s okay.’ [Jonah] Perretti said about The Daily Rubbish in a recent interview with the New York Times. ‘We only have to pay one guy, and he writes stuff, what, like once a month? Honestly, I don’t know what’s going on with my company anymore—I read one of the articles and The Daily Rubbish certainly lives up to its name.’”
On this day in late May, Ayana Willoughby officially began a war.
Hayman did not stand for this. Not long later, he released Daily Rubbish: Say No to Artichokes, basically doing nothing but roasting the Artichoke. However, the Artichoke had one weakness. While David had one more year left, and would likely continue writing for the Rubbish, Ayana was going to high school, and the survival of the popular Artichoke was uncertain.
As the 2023-24 school year arrived, it came with a great, legendary, 6th grade writer who wrote about sports and whose initials were C and M (sorry, just needed to get that in there). But, it also came with a renewed rivalry in the world of satire.
Hayman was back writing for the Daily Rubbish, and the Artichoke had indeed found a predecessor, then-8th grader Thea Kupersmith, who had already published a number of satirical articles in the past. She, of course, began her Artichoke career with her number one pencil article, one of my personal favorites.
However, David Hayman was no longer a one-man show. As this was his last year at CMS, and he wanted to keep his empire afloat, he recruited 6th graders, most notably Benji Colcher.
Then, Thea took her first shots:
“In an attempt to continue this camaraderie between satire columns, The Artichoke has attempted to reach out to the Rubbish and schedule more interviews. Unfortunately, due to the fact that they are currently in the process of appointing ChatGPT as their chief journalist, there has been no one to answer our emails.”
Hayman and Kupersmith continued a cold war throughout the rest of the year, battling to publish the best satire as frequently as possible. I know from experience that if you were a writer in the CMS SCOOP, you were either a Rubbish or Artichoke fan. No middle ground.
The two gods of CMS satire divided the SCOOP community until both David and Thea departed for PW at the end of the 23-24 school year.
The 2024-25 school year was a strange time for satire. Multiple 6th graders tried to fill the void created by David and Thea’s promotion, but to little avail. However, David’s lobbying to the former 6th graders paid off when Rubbish returned for season 7. The torch was passed to 7th graders Benji Colcher, Liam Otero, and Dillon Fisher.
The Daily Rubbish failed to publish as frequently as hoped, but it didn’t matter, because the Artichoke fell out of favor for a very long part of the year. Much later in the year, 8th grader and longtime SCOOP writer Maeve O’Connell took over the Artichoke and began a campaign to revive it. Her first article was a reference to the aforementioned number one pencil article, written by Thea.
Unfortunately for Maeve, she also had a succession crisis on her hands. At the same time, The Daily Rubbish had a leadership crisis. With so many Rubbish writers in the SCOOP, Benji Colcher declared that David handed him the keys, and discouraged fellow 7th grader Shawn Goretsky from writing for the Daily Rubbish.
Shawn listened. Now he just writes about Marvel and why percussion stinks.
So far this year, it’s clear that The Satire Wars™ have died down. Liam and Benji have continued to lead the Daily Rubbish into satirical success as the column enters year 8, existing as the longest running column in CMS SCOOP history (I think). The Daily Rubbish is also starting to recruit, as all of its writers are now in 8th grade. The Rubbish has picked up 6th grader Teddy Colcher and 7th grader Jackson Carvalho, possibly setting them up for the foreseeable future.
The Artichoke still exists, in a way. 7th graders Anna Szperka and Faye Grigg have been handed the reins in year 4 of the artichoke, but have only published one article in three months.
Come on, Anna and Faye. I wanna see the rivalry restored!
Additionally, some new satires have entered the conversation, with 8th grader Xian Magnaye publishing episode 1 of his satire, The Trashy Garlic, and Luke Dinan posting the first article of The Swish. There has also been The Wacky Weekly, but that has not seen activity in a while.
These are reportedly rebellions against a current Rubbish leader: Benji Colcher. In the same way the Artichoke was formed, these columns are popping up to try to start something new. But, will they work? Or will they be left, forgotten?
That’s my take on The Satire Wars™. It’s truly come a long way, and it will be interesting to see how it develops over the years.
P.S: Really, Timothy? You really had to beat me to this?