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Putin Wins 5th Re-Election (Satirical Take)

by David Hayman (8th)

2024 is a big year in elections. 64 countries are holding elections. And this past
weekend, Russia held their election.

As usual, Russian President Vladimir Putin won by a landslide, with 134% of the country's population voting for him, including children. Some people were so excited to vote for Putin they cast multiple ballots.

Putin's campaign promise was simple. “If you vote for me, I will draft your sons,
husbands, and fathers to die in ukraine.” He also promised free tickets to the Nutcracker to anyone who voted at least three times for him.

We interviewed Sasha Yegerov, a resident of moscow. He told daily rubbish reporters “Theee- the election- waas f-fair...” He then blacked out, tragically dropping his tickets to scatter in the wind.

In respons to a telgram message to the daily rubbish, Russian oil baron Sasha Pavlova said that, “Democracy in Russia is dying. I cannot stand to see my family and friends to die in a war for nothing.

I am now announcing my intent to run in the next election against president V ladimir Putin.” We reached out to her for more statements, but sadly she had been arrested for “underming the political stability” of Russia. Which is only fair of course.