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by David Hayman (7th)

Union-busting Robot Edition

AI is taking our jobs, and to prove this, we at the daily rubbish decided to prove it. So first, I asked it to write a (totally not) satire article about CMS acquiring new fighter jets, a recent topic in the news recently. Here is a little sample of what it gave me:

Principal John Smith says the move is a natural evolution in the school's commitment to excellence. "We want to make sure our students are getting the best education possible, and that means getting them to school on time and in style. What better way to do that than with fighter jets?"

The school has already purchased a fleet of F-16s from the US military, and plans to retrofit them with seating and safety features for the students. Smith insists that the jets will be perfectly safe for students, and that the school has hired experienced fighter pilots to handle the transportation duties.

"We've done our research and we know that these planes are incredibly safe," Smith says. "And our pilots are the best in the business. They've flown combat missions over Iraq and Afghanistan, so flying a bunch of middle schoolers to math class should be a piece of cake."

See, pretty good, right?  So we asked it to write more articles for us.

write a satire article about the colonial middle school newspaper, "the scoop"

The Colonial Middle School newspaper, "The Scoop," is facing criticism after publishing an article claiming that the school's ghost haunts the bathrooms. According to the article, the ghost has been spotted by multiple students and teachers, and is known for flushing toilets and slamming stall doors. However, the school administration has dismissed the claims, stating that there is no evidence of a ghost on the premises. Some parents are outraged, accusing the newspaper of spreading misinformation and promoting superstition. Despite the controversy, "The Scoop" insists that they stand by their reporting and will continue to investigate the paranormal activity at Colonial Middle School.

Write a satire article about the water in colonial middle school

Colonial Middle School is taking a novel approach to address concerns about the water in their drinking fountains. Instead of fixing the pipes, the school has decided to hire a team of trained "water tasters" to evaluate the safety of the water. According to the school principal, the water tasters have years of experience in detecting subtle changes in taste and odor, and will be able to identify any harmful contaminants in the water. Some parents are skeptical of the new approach, with one commenting, "I don't want someone to tell me the water tastes bad, I want them to fix the problem." Nonetheless, the water tasters have already begun their work, and the school is hopeful that they will be able to provide a solution to the ongoing water issue.

Write about the coup at colonial middle school

In a shocking turn of events, a group of 7th grade students at Colonial Middle School have staged a communist coup, seizing control of the student council and declaring themselves the new leaders of the school. The students, who call themselves the "Red Brigade," have distributed copies of "The Communist Manifesto" to their classmates and are encouraging them to join the revolution. The new leaders have already implemented a series of sweeping reforms, including free snacks for all students and mandatory group sing-alongs of socialist anthems. Some parents are outraged, with one declaring, "This is America, not the Soviet Union!" However, the Red Brigade remains undeterred, insisting that they will continue to fight for equality and justice for all students at Colonial Middle School.

Well, clearly, I am not as qualified as artificial intelligence, so, from now on, AI will be writing for the Daily rubbish. This was David Hayman, signing off.