by Maya Swan (6th)
A Review of The Fanciest Restaurant
This is Billy Bob Joe, reporting for The Random Newspaper, where I am reviewing an up-and-coming restaurant in Bananaland, Montana. This restaurant is called The Fanciest Restaurant. Up first is my interview with the head chef, Joe.
Me: Hello, Joe. Thank you for taking the time to be interviewed.
Joe: No problem.
Me: Could you please tell me where you get all of your ingredients from?
Joe: All four ingredients are fresh from Ohio.
Joe: You got a problem with that?
Me: No no no! It's just very…interesting. Tell me, where did you go to culinary school?
Joe: I didn’t.
Joe: I said I didn’t go to culinary school.
Me: So..How’d you get the job?
Joe: The owner just came up to me while I was walking around town, and asked, “Hey, you look like you would only set the building on fire a few times. Would you like to be the head chef at my restaurant?” I said sure, asked when I was gonna start, and now here I am! I didn’t have anything better to do. I needed the money.
Me: Very Nice. How many times have you set the establishment on fire?
Me: Hopefully none.
Joe: Ya know what? This is gonna take forever. I’ll just tell ya. 47.
Me: ...let’s talk about food now.
Joe: Probably a good idea.
Me: What is your best selling appetizer here at The Fanciest Restaurant?
Joe: Well it's probably the Gourmet Cheese Board, or the Small Sushi Platter.
Me: Could you disclose what cheeses you use for the cheese board?
Joe: Unfortunately not because they are all fancy and in French and can’t pronounce them, but I can say that there are 18 different cheeses on there, and about 15 have been fermenting in the dumpster out back to preserve and bring out their flavor.
Me: Is…Is that legal?
Joe: Probably not, but we make all our guests sign a waiver saying that they won’t sue if they get food poisoning or anything like that and also make sure they have enough money in their account before we allow them to dine here. We aren’t for the low budgeted ya know.
Me: Okay, well, let’s talk about the options for your main course. What is your most exquisite meal here?
Joe: Well, we have the exquisite escargot.
Me: Okay. Any other meals I should check out?
Joe: The Cream of Musty Mushrooms is a very popular meal.
Me: What’s in it?
Joe: 10 different types of mushrooms picked freshly from our yard out back.
Me: Are they poisonous?
Joe: I’m actually not sure..
Me: Any other dishes?
Joe: We have the spirited steak.
Me: What’s that?
Joe: It’s where I bring a very, very, fresh steak and cook it in front of you.
Me: Wow! That sounds amazing! I will most definitely be getting that.
Joe: Great! But be prepared for lots of leftovers.
Me: Well thank you for meeting with me here today, Joe.
Joe: No problem! Glad I could be here.
After that interview with Joe, I went on to have a meal here at The Fanciest Restaurant.
And as Joe said, I had to sign a waiver, which unless you are a psychopath, nobody ever reads, and I most likely just signed my soul away, but oh well.
Here is the list of what I ordered:
The Gourmet Cheese Board
I was very worried that all of the cheeses would probably give me food poisoning, but that didn’t happen! Like Joe said, they are all fancy and French, so I can’t tell you which ones did give me food poisoning.
The Gourmet French Fries
..It was a potato. Turns out, Joe has a SEVERE potato allergy and cannot come within 6 feet of one. But it was the best potato I've ever had! 8.5/10
The Week Old Fish
It was pretty good. A little chewy, and a bit pink, but I’m sure that is just how the fish is prepared. I’ll be fine!
The Spirited Steak
I have no words. It certainly was a show, and that is what those red blotches on the carpet are.
Blood Red Cupcakes
A classic red velvet cupcake with a blood red filling. Baked to perfection! 9/10
That was my review of The Fanciest Restaurant! It was a great experience, and the food was very great! Unfortunately I was unable to try everything here, otherwise I would be in debt. I would rank this restaurant a 100/10.
This was Billy Bob Joe, reporting for The Random Newspaper!
"Food Buffet". LiveAbout.com Accessed. 27 January 2023.